JOKES!!! Atheist/Religious Jokes

Who's got some good groaners?

At the restaurant, as Dad was laying out his tip for the waiter, his little boy asks, "How come the waiter gets fifteen percent and God only gets ten percent?"

I dare yous all to top that!

A little girl is sitting in church with her father watching a baptism. She watches as the priest recites the baptism service and pours water over the child's head before turning to her father and asking:

"Daddy, why are they brainwashing that baby?"

A man wants to divorce and/or behead his wife but the leader of his Church won't let him. The bloke therefore sets up his own church and gets loads of followers.

For centuries afterwards, the ancestors of the people in each church would torture and kill each purely for being brought up differently to each other.

When rational people would say things like, "hey, why don't you guys just get along. It's all in the past and your god is a peaceful god (for they believed he was despite evidence to the contrary) they'd somehow take the societal high ground by saying, "you arrogant bastard, you don't know anything about the troubles."

What do you call a German Shepherd in a $10,000 hat?

The Pope.



I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

This one's pretty bad, but it's pretty funny too. There, I gave you a warning...

Why did the Jews wander the desert for 40 years?

Ans: Because one of them lost a quarter

During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholic priest, and a rationalist skeptic.

The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so."

"It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.

Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in Jesus Christ the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward thump! creak! ...stopping just short of its mark once more.

"Another miracle!" sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.

Now it was the skeptic's turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the skeptic didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.

"Oh, I see your problem," the skeptic said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!"

Question: How do you get two Catholic priests to brutally battle each other bare-handed to the death?

Answer: Throw a little boy between them!

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."

The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job."

He says, "You have sinned." Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job.

The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."

A bunch of young pentecostals decide to go out to the local cafe after church one Sunday. They collect some tables together and begin to have a fun time chatting. One of them stands up and asks a question.

What does the young fellow say??



Hands down who wants to order a coffee.

The priest in a small village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out behind the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.

Well, one Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and because the priest had heard that cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to question his parishioners about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation, “Who’s got a cock?”

All the men stood up.

“No, No,” he said, “That wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?”

All the women stood up.

“No, No,” he said, “That wasn’t what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?”

Half the women stood up.

“No, No,” he said, “I meant: Has anybody seen MY cock?”

Up stood five nuns, three altar boys, and two priests…

This one is pretty bad so I understand if it gets deleted....

Q. Whats the difference between acne and a catholic priest?

A. Acne at least waits till you’re a teenager to come on your face.

Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."

Before God had a chance to explain any further, Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to, please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability, It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals. I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please..." Adam went on and on like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left here? Oh yes, Multiple orgasms..."

I don't think ___ is really an atheist because when we were in bed, all he said was "Oh, God!"



---------------------------------

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. As he was walking alongside a powerful river he heard a loud rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a seven foot grizzly bear charge toward him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but the bear was now on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

The atheist cried out: "Oh God!" Immediately time stopped and the bear froze, and a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence all these years, teach others I don't exist, even credit what I created and made to cosmic accident. And now you cry out to me, expect me to help you out of this predicament?"

The atheist said: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian believer now, but perhaps you could grant me a wish: make the bear a Christian instead". "Very well", said the skyward voice.

The bear dropped his right paw about to strike, brought both paws together, bowed his head to the ground, and spoke these words: "Lord, Bless this food I am about to eat..."

An athiest sees two christians arguing in the street, so he walks over and asks what all the fuss is about. One of the christians explains that they're trying to decide how much of their money they should give to the church.

Christian 1: I think we should draw a circle on the ground, throw all our money in the air and whatever lands in the circle, we'll give to the lord.

Christian 2: And I think we should draw a circle on the ground, throw all our money in the air and whatever lands outside the circle, we should give to the lord.

The Athiest: Why don't you just throw all your money in the air, and whatever god wants, he can keep.

Little Jonny was a wiz in science, in history, and in english, but he always failed math. "Little Jonny" his parents asked him, "Why are your grades so bad in math?" "I just don't get it." he replied. Well, the next year, his parents sent Little Jonny to a Catholic School. After his first day, he came home, went right up to his room, locked the door, and only came down to gobble down his dinner. This went on and on until the end of the quarter. Then his report card came. His parents looked over it.

Science: A
English: A
History: A
Math: A

"Little Jonny! This is wonderful! How did you finally get it?"

"Well, when I saw the guy nailed to the big plus sign, I knew they meant business!"

It's 3:00 AM in the Vatican when the phone rings in the papal apartments. The pope's personal secretary answers, looks startled, then wakes up the pope and hands him the phone. The pope immediately recognizes the voice at the other end of the line as that of God.

"Hello Benedict! It's good to talk to you." Booms the voice of the almighty.
"It is certainly good to talk to you my lord" Says the pope.
"Well Ben, I am calling you to give you two pieces of news; a piece of good news and and a piece of bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" Says the lord of hosts.
After a second's hesitation his holiness says. "Well, my lord I suppose I should hear the good news first."
Yahweh immediately answers. "I have decided to do away with all the schisms and splintering of my church and bring everyone together into one big church."
Benedict is beside himself with joy. "Oh lord! This is what I have dreamed about all my life. If this is true then I can take any bad news! Give it to me now."
Jehovah hesitates and clears his throat. "Well Benedict, you see I'm calling from Salt Lake City."

This is my favorite religious joke. Perhaps my favorite joke of any sort.

A guy is headed downtown and is late for a job interview. He is desperate to find a parking place, and so he rolls down his window and shouts to god, "If you find me a parking place, I promise I'll never touch another drop of liquor."

Just then, a car pulls out, leaving a parking place right in front of his building.

He leans out and shouts to god, "Never mind, I found one myself."

An alien comes to earth and finds a man praying in a field with his bible beside him. The alien quickly scans the bible and decides to appear before the man as an angel to assuage his fear.

In a flash of light he materializes before the man, startling him from his prayers. The alien, curious about the beliefs of men, asks what prayer the fellow would like answered.

The man enthusiastically tells him of the evil Professor Dawkins who is giving a lecture in the nearby town, and how he intends to humble the haughty atheist through prayer.

Intrigued the alien teleports them both to the lecture, where Dawkins is waxing eloquently on the beauty found in the process of natural selection. “What would you have me do?” the alien/angel asks the religious man.

“Make him half as smart!”, the man chortles.

ZAP! Dawkins appears unaffected, continuing on to speak about equilibrium in evolutionary stable systems.

“Do it again!”, the religious man cries, and the alien zaps him again. Even with only 1/4 of his brain remaining Dawkins continues to enthrall the audience with science.

Enraged, the religious man demands that the “angel” render Dawkins completely devoid of intelligence. Shrugging, the alien lets fly.

ZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPP!!!

Dawkins wobbles in place, grabbing the podium for balance, and a slow smile crosses his face. The last flicker of intelligence fades from his eyes. The religious man rubs his hands in glee. “Now let’s see what he has to say!”

Dawkins looks around dimly, then picks up a brown paper bag from a table beside the podium. He takes out a sandwich and tosses it aside. Then he smiles triumphantly as he takes out a banana.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he begins, “The atheists nightmare!“

Four nuns are standing in front of the gates to Heaven when Saint Peter walks up.

He says to them, “You see ladies, it's been kind of busy, and I haven’t been keeping an eye on you like I should. So, I’m going to ask you each one question and your answer will determine whether you get into heaven or not.”

He turns to the first nun, and he says, “Excuse me, sister, have you ever touched a man's penis?”

The first nun blushes and says, “Yes Saint Peter, with this hand..” and she raises he right hand.

Saint Peter looks at her, and says, “Okay, you see that birdbath over there? The one filled with cherubs? That's holy water. I want you to go wash your hand clean of sin, and sign your name to the book of life for being so honest with me.”

She of course is ecstatic, and thanks him profusely. He replies to her, “No, this is heaven, it's the way it's supposed to be...” So, the first nun washes her hand, signs her name and walks on in to heaven.

Thinking that this is a great question, he turns to the second nun, and asks it again. Th second nun says, “Yes, Saint Peter, with both my hands. A lot.” So Saint Peter gives her directions to the same birdbath and tells her to wash both her hands. A lot. And she signs her name to the book of life and continues in through the gates.

Saint Peter is about to ask the third nun the same question when the fourth nun starts yanking on the sleeve of her habit, trying to get the third nun's attention. The third nun turns around and looks at the fourth nun.

“Yes,” she says, “what is it?”

The fourth nun replies, “Do you mind if we switch places?”

“Of course not,” the third nun answers. “But why?”

The fourth nun looks at her earnestly and answers, “Because if it's all the same to you, I'd like to gargle before you scrub your ass.”