JOKES!!! Atheist/Religious Jokes

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Post  cleanwillie on Thu Nov 12, 2009 4:57 am

JOKES!!! Atheist/Religious Jokes - Page 2 N5232913
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Post  cleanwillie on Thu Nov 12, 2009 5:08 am

JOKES!!! Atheist/Religious Jokes - Page 2 Homot10
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Post  cleanwillie on Thu Nov 12, 2009 6:12 am

JOKES!!! Atheist/Religious Jokes - Page 2 Save_me_comic
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Post  MisChef on Fri Jan 22, 2010 10:47 pm

I don't think ___ is really an atheist because when we were in bed, all he said was "Oh, God!"

Razz

---------------------------------

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. As he was walking alongside a powerful river he heard a loud rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a seven foot grizzly bear charge toward him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but the bear was now on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

The atheist cried out: "Oh God!" Immediately time stopped and the bear froze, and a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence all these years, teach others I don't exist, even credit what I created and made to cosmic accident. And now you cry out to me, expect me to help you out of this predicament?"

The atheist said: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian believer now, but perhaps you could grant me a wish: make the bear a Christian instead". "Very well", said the skyward voice.

The bear dropped his right paw about to strike, brought both paws together, bowed his head to the ground, and spoke these words: "Lord, Bless this food I am about to eat..."
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Post  5thApe on Thu Feb 11, 2010 11:19 pm

An athiest sees two christians arguing in the street, so he walks over and asks what all the fuss is about. One of the christians explains that they're trying to decide how much of their money they should give to the church.

Christian 1: I think we should draw a circle on the ground, throw all our money in the air and whatever lands in the circle, we'll give to the lord.

Christian 2: And I think we should draw a circle on the ground, throw all our money in the air and whatever lands outside the circle, we should give to the lord.

The Athiest: Why don't you just throw all your money in the air, and whatever god wants, he can keep.

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Post  infinitemonkey on Fri Feb 12, 2010 7:04 pm

Little Jonny was a wiz in science, in history, and in english, but he always failed math. "Little Jonny" his parents asked him, "Why are your grades so bad in math?" "I just don't get it." he replied. Well, the next year, his parents sent Little Jonny to a Catholic School. After his first day, he came home, went right up to his room, locked the door, and only came down to gobble down his dinner. This went on and on until the end of the quarter. Then his report card came. His parents looked over it.

Science: A
English: A
History: A
Math: A

"Little Jonny! This is wonderful! How did you finally get it?"

"Well, when I saw the guy nailed to the big plus sign, I knew they meant business!"

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JOKES!!! Atheist/Religious Jokes - Page 2 Empty A Late Night Phone Call

Post  randytoad on Sun Mar 07, 2010 4:23 am

It's 3:00 AM in the Vatican when the phone rings in the papal apartments. The pope's personal secretary answers, looks startled, then wakes up the pope and hands him the phone. The pope immediately recognizes the voice at the other end of the line as that of God.

"Hello Benedict! It's good to talk to you." Booms the voice of the almighty.
"It is certainly good to talk to you my lord" Says the pope.
"Well Ben, I am calling you to give you two pieces of news; a piece of good news and and a piece of bad news. Which would you like to hear first?" Says the lord of hosts.
After a second's hesitation his holiness says. "Well, my lord I suppose I should hear the good news first."
Yahweh immediately answers. "I have decided to do away with all the schisms and splintering of my church and bring everyone together into one big church."
Benedict is beside himself with joy. "Oh lord! This is what I have dreamed about all my life. If this is true then I can take any bad news! Give it to me now."
Jehovah hesitates and clears his throat. "Well Benedict, you see I'm calling from Salt Lake City."

This is my favorite religious joke. Perhaps my favorite joke of any sort.
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Post  CaptainSpaulding on Sun Mar 07, 2010 4:41 pm

A guy is headed downtown and is late for a job interview. He is desperate to find a parking place, and so he rolls down his window and shouts to god, "If you find me a parking place, I promise I'll never touch another drop of liquor."

Just then, a car pulls out, leaving a parking place right in front of his building.

He leans out and shouts to god, "Never mind, I found one myself."
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JOKES!!! Atheist/Religious Jokes - Page 2 Empty The Angel and Richard Dawkins

Post  SmarterThanYouLook on Sun May 23, 2010 12:53 pm

An alien comes to earth and finds a man praying in a field with his bible beside him. The alien quickly scans the bible and decides to appear before the man as an angel to assuage his fear.

In a flash of light he materializes before the man, startling him from his prayers. The alien, curious about the beliefs of men, asks what prayer the fellow would like answered.

The man enthusiastically tells him of the evil Professor Dawkins who is giving a lecture in the nearby town, and how he intends to humble the haughty atheist through prayer.

Intrigued the alien teleports them both to the lecture, where Dawkins is waxing eloquently on the beauty found in the process of natural selection. “What would you have me do?” the alien/angel asks the religious man.

“Make him half as smart!”, the man chortles.

ZAP! Dawkins appears unaffected, continuing on to speak about equilibrium in evolutionary stable systems.

“Do it again!”, the religious man cries, and the alien zaps him again. Even with only 1/4 of his brain remaining Dawkins continues to enthrall the audience with science.

Enraged, the religious man demands that the “angel” render Dawkins completely devoid of intelligence. Shrugging, the alien lets fly.

ZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPP!!!

Dawkins wobbles in place, grabbing the podium for balance, and a slow smile crosses his face. The last flicker of intelligence fades from his eyes. The religious man rubs his hands in glee. “Now let’s see what he has to say!”

Dawkins looks around dimly, then picks up a brown paper bag from a table beside the podium. He takes out a sandwich and tosses it aside. Then he smiles triumphantly as he takes out a banana.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” he begins, “The atheists nightmare!“

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Post  Sosa on Tue Sep 14, 2010 4:22 am

Four nuns are standing in front of the gates to Heaven when Saint Peter walks up.

He says to them, “You see ladies, it's been kind of busy, and I haven’t been keeping an eye on you like I should. So, I’m going to ask you each one question and your answer will determine whether you get into heaven or not.”

He turns to the first nun, and he says, “Excuse me, sister, have you ever touched a man's penis?”

The first nun blushes and says, “Yes Saint Peter, with this hand..” and she raises he right hand.

Saint Peter looks at her, and says, “Okay, you see that birdbath over there? The one filled with cherubs? That's holy water. I want you to go wash your hand clean of sin, and sign your name to the book of life for being so honest with me.”

She of course is ecstatic, and thanks him profusely. He replies to her, “No, this is heaven, it's the way it's supposed to be...” So, the first nun washes her hand, signs her name and walks on in to heaven.

Thinking that this is a great question, he turns to the second nun, and asks it again. Th second nun says, “Yes, Saint Peter, with both my hands. A lot.” So Saint Peter gives her directions to the same birdbath and tells her to wash both her hands. A lot. And she signs her name to the book of life and continues in through the gates.

Saint Peter is about to ask the third nun the same question when the fourth nun starts yanking on the sleeve of her habit, trying to get the third nun's attention. The third nun turns around and looks at the fourth nun.

“Yes,” she says, “what is it?”

The fourth nun replies, “Do you mind if we switch places?”

“Of course not,” the third nun answers. “But why?”

The fourth nun looks at her earnestly and answers, “Because if it's all the same to you, I'd like to gargle before you scrub your ass.”
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Post  Sosa on Tue Sep 14, 2010 4:25 am

A Rabbi and a Priest play golf together. the Priest hits the ball, misses the hole, get angry and shouts: "Shit I missed!"

The Rabbi tells him: You should not curse, God wouldn't like it...

another hole, another miss, another: "Shit I missed!"

again, the Rabbi: You should not curse, god would punish you.

suddenly both of them see a meteor in the sky, heading right 2wards them, hitting the rabbi and kill him. the Priest looks up and hears a mighty voice shouts "Shit, I missed!"
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JOKES!!! Atheist/Religious Jokes - Page 2 Empty How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Post  Sosa on Tue Sep 14, 2010 4:27 am

How many Christians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go off and on at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light bulb is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring a bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review the church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.

Amish: What’s a light bulb?
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